2012

Released: 2009
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for intense disaster sequences and some language
Run time: 2:38

I am overwhelmingly tempted to give this a simple one word review: Cluster%$#, but I won't.  When I saw the trailers for this movie, my initial reaction was "Wow, the effects are amazing, but still doesn't seem to be any good."  Those initial reactions and expectations were met perfectly.  The nicest thing I can say about this movie is at least it is better than "The Day After Tomorrow" (despite following the exact same blueprint).  As disaster movies go, nothing is more amazing to watch than this is as it piles on disaster sequence after disaster sequence relentlessly.  It is the attempt to fashion some sort of story around that where it fails miserably.  The premise, as you know, is the Doomsday scenario as it is believed to have been predicted by the Mayans centuries ago.  As the movie sets it up, shifts in the earth's core have massive repercussions on the surface globally.  Yet, somehow, they set this up so that the disaster starts in Los Angeles and then moves east until it eventually circles the globe.  Why?  Well, we need to watch Jackson Curtis (John Cusack) and his family narrowly escape each and every wave of disaster along the way.  When I say narrowly escape, I mean  NARROWLY escape.  Apparently, a limousine can outrun an earthquake, but only by a little bit.  Also, planes, who need runways to gain enough speed to get lift, don't really need runways at all if the star of the plane is aboard them and the earth is crumbling beneath them.  In its path of destruction, the movie liberally borrows from every disaster movie that came before it, starting with "Earthquake" right on through "The Poseidon Adventure".  It would be disingenous not to admit that I expected all of this stupidity, but I was still somehow surprised at how silly it actually was!  I found myself starting to wonder if John Cusack is having severe financial trouble because I don't understand why he would want to be in this movie.  He just doesn't seem the type.  I remember that reaction when seeing him in the trailer:  "Oh, no, John, what are you thinking??"  Woody Harrelson provides some comic relief early on and his scenes were probably the best in the movie.  At 2:38, the movie runs long, but it is my pleasure to say it does feel a lot shorter.  The movie and the story move very quickly (whatever story there is).  The most offensive scenes to me were not one, but TWO, sequences where a plane narrowly escapes destruction by flying and maneuvering through two collapsing buildings.  It is that type of sequence that makes Ron Bennington (Ron & Fez XM 202, Sirius 197) call these type of films "9/11 porn".  See it if you must for the effects and the wow factor, but don't expect anything more.

Grade: D-

Trailer: